Faith

I feel conflicted.
I’m so unsure of where I’m supposed to go, what I’m supposed to do.
Follow your heart, they say. Follow your gut.

It’s not for lack of inspiration or motivation.
It’s not knowing which way to go… so many choices and where do they lead?

I’ve learned, many times over, that living for now is far more important than living for later.
Later is never promised, but what do you do when you get there?

I’m worried for my future and conflicted about my present.
These next few steps determine a lot.

Do you pick a path or make one?

Do you reach inside and put your own heart on the table
or continue moving, patiently, in the direction of your dreams?

I’m not patient.
I’m eager to please, I’m eager to do it right.
But I keep asking what I’m doing and I feel I’m coming up short.

Today I know for certain that there is a sun behind these clouds,
but I wish I could tell which way the wind is blowing.

Maybe I’m afraid I’ll miss something.
Maybe it’s time to leap.

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Vanity

When something is done in vain,
It does not yield the desired outcome.
Vanity is lacking substance or truth,
And exudes irreverence.
And that’s what makes this so heartbreaking.

It is so difficult to remember
that we cannot live in fear.
With both lives and limbs lost,
We mourn.
I find myself asking three times over:
How am I supposed to live,
If I cannot feel comfort in my own skin?
How do I remember love?

My brothers and sisters of Boston,
Damage has been done.
This ripple effect will be felt
Two worlds over
For many moons to come.
But we must be strong;
We will not, cannot, shall not be afraid.
We must remember:
We do not, will not, cannot understand why
because there is no reasoning behind hatred.
We must remember that hate begets hate,
That pain causes pain,
And fear makes others tremble.
We must remember why we remain strong.

This horrific act was a vain attempt to gather attention,
To wreak havoc on our hearts,
And break our spirit.
Together we must state,
Both loudly and clearly,
That it has not succeeded.

We have but one life to live,
Let us live it together with love and without fear.
April 14, 2013

Bipolar Confession

“And with the strength of a thousand men,
Both before you and within,
You came clean.
You did everything but shout it from rooftops for years.
But, alas, that was never enough.
“This is me, in all my unforgiving ‘crazy’ glory.”
And now you are free
to love yourself.
And now you are free
to begin healing.”

The above was written to commend a former professor of art who recently announced that he has suffered from bipolar disorder for years. He let everyone know that he recently hit his “all-time low.” I’ve seen people suffer from this illness up-close and personal, and they have always been the kindest and most sincere souls, despite their aggressive day-to-day battles. I want to honor this man for the strength and courage it took, and will continue to take, on the long and winding road of recovery.

I can’t help but notice that all of the people I have met with this illness have all been great artists. I equate the often erratic behavior they experience to an emotional scale that surpasses what most people feel day to day. The hard and fast emotional roller coaster can take someone to their highest point, immediately followed by their lowest. But I’ve known many other people who never really get to experience either end of that spectrum, because it takes extreme emotional availability that is often unstable and frowned upon in society.

But look at the capacity for love these people have, so often juxtaposed with their prominent self-loathing and painful realizations that they are different from the “norm”. I believe this emotionality doesn’t always need to be their downfall. I believe that successful
recovery can bring people who suffer from this illness to the top once more, in a more even-timed dance with life, because they have seen hell and risen beyond it. Not above it, no, because those times still remain within them always. But with proper care and love, and at times with hospitals and medications, the people who used to suffer uncontrollably are able to love wholeheartedly and teach the world to do the same.
3.19.13

Continuous

We’re 5 years in and our adventure continues.
Day in and day out: learning new things & understanding new theories.
An almost constant discussion:
Everyday still learning what makes us tick.

Let us see where this beautiful life leads us–
It seems anywhere will suffice with your hand in mine,
And yet nothing will ever be “enough”
Because when we are together not even the sky is limiting.

There is no cap, there is no limit; there’s nowhere but up.
But there are still questions posed:
Why do we exist? What are we meant to be?
What are we supposed to do?

With you by my side, there is no limit to what we can discover.
There is no telling us what we can do or where we can go.
Together we just keep reaching higher.

There is no stopping us.

February 10, 2013

Similarities

fruit1You make me remember who I am.

Two completely different women in two completely different places,

Both physically and emotionally,

And yet there’s no judgment, no anxiety.

It’s the mutual understanding of pure kindness.

I’m fascinated by what fascinates you;

What doesn’t come easily to others, comes easily to you.

If I met you ten years ago or ten years from now, it would be the same.

We’re just cut from the same cloth.

1.26.13

It Takes Two to Partner (PTSD)

book1Last night I was terrified—watching you hunched over in the chair not responding.

Flashbacks to a moment I never saw, a moment I was not apart of.

The color completely drained from your face, you were refusing to go to the doctor so I brought security to you.

Once upon a time, my mother brought my father to a 3rd world hospital emergency style,

but he didn’t make it.

I just can’t risk a life without you to lean on, to love on.

I just can’t risk being without.

I’ve seen life without the love of your life, and it’s so much harder. So much sadder.

So much harder than it already is.

But you kept refusing to keep your eyes open.

“I only need some fresh air,” you mumbled through fumbling lips.

Between me and you, I can’t have that. I can’t have risk, chance, possibility.

I can’t chance being without.

So I’ve spent my life putting myself in charge of the way my life should be, and I chose you

five years ago this September.

So when it comes to your health and what we can manage, it needs to be taken care of now.

Taken care of today. Because tomorrow could be too little too late.

And that’s not a possibility. I just won’t have it.

I will take care of you day in and day out until death do us part—but please don’t risk

unnecessarily.

You are my partner in life and crime and I refuse to let you leave me alone.

But it takes two to partner.

9.15.12

This was written after my boyfriend almost fainted after painting an entire room without proper air circulation. He kept saying he was fine, but I knew he wasn’t. I called an ambulance. Luckily, by the time the EMTs arrived he had come to and was fine.

From several major life events, I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It triggers me to immediately reference other past experiences that have caused similar emotions. It’s difficult to cope with at times, but I try my best to spin these moments into something positive in one way or another. I encourage you to do the same.