I feel conflicted.
I’m so unsure of where I’m supposed to go, what I’m supposed to do.
Follow your heart, they say. Follow your gut.
It’s not for lack of inspiration or motivation.
It’s not knowing which way to go… so many choices and where do they lead?
I’ve learned, many times over, that living for now is far more important than living for later.
Later is never promised, but what do you do when you get there?
I’m worried for my future and conflicted about my present.
These next few steps determine a lot.
Do you pick a path or make one?
Do you reach inside and put your own heart on the table
or continue moving, patiently, in the direction of your dreams?
I’m not patient.
I’m eager to please, I’m eager to do it right.
But I keep asking what I’m doing and I feel I’m coming up short.
Today I know for certain that there is a sun behind these clouds,
but I wish I could tell which way the wind is blowing.
Maybe I’m afraid I’ll miss something.
Maybe it’s time to leap.
High school is full of inexplicable growth, growing up before you feel ready to… before I knew what was really going on.
It’s feeling older too soon. It’s the first party you attend without parents around. It’s the first car ride with your friend at the wheel.
It is a weird time in your life… the time right before you have a firm idea of who you really are, what you are doing, or why you are doing it.
It comes before you want it, and sometimes you need it before you get it.
It’s wonderful and scary just the same.
For four years, I climbed ten steps leading to a world of laughter, learning, and love. Seeing them for the first time… sure, they were intimidating, but day after day I gained comfort from these stone hard stairs and although they stayed the same, I grew. I have grown into my body. I have grown into my friendships. I have grown into who I am meant to be.
I remember days when I had no one else but you,
an unknown muse reading the words that sprayed from my fingertips like acid.
I shared everything;
every thought that came to mind was transplanted onto a computer screen on the other side of the world.
Strangers helped me understand how to love the world through poetry and kindness,
and I hope to help you do the same.
February 18, 2013