“Healing”

familyI don’t think I’ll ever understand losing someone. 9 and a half months since we lost Matt and today it feels like yesterday. I cry about my father so rarely that it scares me; I fear Matt will be in the back of my mind with my Dad sometime.

I wonder when it happens. “Healing”. What does that even mean?

It’s not healing, it’s more like suffocating the fear and longing for enough time that you can breathe on your own, but what is that life? It’s still a life without.

I remember bawling so vividly.

I’ve had so much pain in my life, which has all made me who I am today.

I know I’m blessed.

I know without my hurt, I would not be able to love as wholeheartedly and intensely as I do. I know everything happens for a reason. I just wish there wasn’t so much sadness in the world. I just love everyone so much.

But life is full circle.
August 18, 2011

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To respond to your status.

actingIf you remember to try to smile, your brain will follow suit.

It’s science, I think.

The holidays are always hard, but it’s good to let people know how you feel. It makes it easier to feel better when you can say it, acknowledge it, and try to again focus on the bright side of things; focus on the positivity and the love.

I think about it a lot, and it changes you. But it can also be something beautiful when you let it be. When you go through hardships, you gain empathy. You gain the ability to see the world through everyone’s eyes.

It’s always knowing it could be worse… and appreciating what you have. Always. No matter what it is.

Two years ago my roommate in school lost one of her best friends in a car accident. It was so terrible, she was so sad to her bones. I talked to her every day that I could, trying my best to help her heal and make her realize that life is still good. All the things we both know now, through and through.

3 weeks after that accident, I lost my cousin is an accident on Halloween. He had just turned 24.

I had to then listen to myself replay every single thing I had said to my friend day in and day out and I still do the same today

Life is bizarre, but if I hadn’t helped my dear friend I don’t know how I ever would have found the strength to help myself.

You’re so strong. I hope you know that. No one can ever really imagine how it could be until it is.

I always say that if I was a superhero, I’d be “Worst Case Scenario Girl” because that’s my super power– to automatically see what the worst case scenario is and go up from there. Since losing my father at 10, I always said that if something else happened I’d completely lose my mind… but somehow, when you need to find the strength it just comes.

And that’s why life is so beautiful

December 2012

The above is a summary of a conversation I shared with someone I went to high school with who had recently lost her father. It is an excellent example of how the Internet is a magical thing when you let it to be.  It allows us to stay in touch; stop stalking and start talking. Get in touch. The importance of kind communication is bigger than you and me.

A kind heart always heals.

clothes1Today I heard a story about the simple sweetness of youth.

“Another one for your ‘smile file’-“ my boss said as she tossed me a balloon that had a scribbled I love you in black sharpie.

“My niece gives me a surprise every time I sleep over.   Last week it was a bed full of balloons full of ‘your dog is the best!’ and ‘Phil is so nice!’  I kept my trunk full of them for a week, falling all over the parking lot every time I stopped at the store.”

Kim’s niece is 10 years old.

Two whole hands, double digits; oh to be 10 years old.  My nephew Regan is turning 10 in December and I honestly don’t know where the time has gone.  Only yesterday he was a peanut.  I have watched him grow from a dream.  Today he is so kind, sweet and genuine.  He’s so little but so big.

Sometimes I feel like only yesterday I was 10 myself.  As big as the world but as small as your house.  Eager to grow up but still always struggling to understand.

Though much of my childhood is full of splintered film reel memory clips, I have a very vivid memory of 10.  1998 – the year we lost my father. He passed away suddenly and so I learned how difficult and unfair life could be at a very young age.

Life experiences establish your outlook on life.  In a strange way, I have a connection to the 10th year of my life like many people remember their first car.  You remember the good, the bad and the ugly; you always remember it with a fondness incomparable to something new or something old.  It got you there.  It got you everywhere.

My father traveled for many years for work and spent two weekends at home on a good month.  As fate had it, my entire family had moved to Nicaragua one month before my dad passed away.  We were gifted the opportunity to be closer together for the unknowingly short time we had left as a two parent family.  I was 10 ½ when he passed away, but I had half of a year of wonderful, youthful ideals before that true test of faith came.

For years after, I found myself constantly retracing my hardships, recording my memories and emotions in the written word.  I found solace in my own thoughts.  Even in the shadows of my life, I somehow continued to grow.

I have led a life that has made me the person that I have become and continue to grow into.

December 2012

I like my jobs the way I like my steak — well done.

steakWhat is the act of doing without purpose? Many people consider their jobs monotonous, mind numbing, and repetitive. In today’s society, it is easy to get lost in the shuffle of doing. When thinking about how to get from point A to point B, the purpose behind doing so is often lost. How do we find it?

We, the people of the world, understand that you need a raise, you need your boss’ approval, you need something. We all do. But what do you need to get through the day with a smile on your face? How would that smile influence your day-to-day interactions with people? What really makes life worth it?

If a person does not feel worth in their actions, any good intention can be lost. Consider your job holistically—what couldn’t happen without you? What do you bring to the table? Everyone has it: a purpose. But tell me—what are you doing about yours?

Going above and beyond what is needed often shows character, but going above and beyond yourself in order to maximize your potential takes true strength. What do you need to get there?

11/27/12