Hurricane

familyThis storm still has such a hold on me;

My head is clouded and I’m echoing,

echoing in my own head.

Repeating my own phrases again and again and again.

This full circle life we lead—

We live, we love, we leave. Never past tense. Always now. Always continued.

The movies, a party, a museum.

I promise I’ll say yes.

How many times can I wish I said yes?

A matter of distance, a matter of energy—

It just doesn’t matter anymore.

The memories we made will have to be enough.

You’re out of audible range, though I sometimes feel you near.

Now you’re everybody’s forever best friend.

Forever young.

The kind of love that belongs to a full-grown heart;

Eternal fondness.

This storm will continue to hold me.

Always now. Always happening.

Always love.

Because you are and always will be.

October 30, 2012

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Enough

familyIt’s been a year since you left me and I’m struggling to say

Exactly how much I miss you.

My heart feels weak and my stomach won’t stop turning;

I miss you this much:

Enough to keep myself together, so I can help everyone else stay together too.

Enough to try harder, to work harder;

Enough to do everything I can.

Enough to be the person you treated me like,

The person you were proud to love.
October 31, 2011

“Healing”

familyI don’t think I’ll ever understand losing someone. 9 and a half months since we lost Matt and today it feels like yesterday. I cry about my father so rarely that it scares me; I fear Matt will be in the back of my mind with my Dad sometime.

I wonder when it happens. “Healing”. What does that even mean?

It’s not healing, it’s more like suffocating the fear and longing for enough time that you can breathe on your own, but what is that life? It’s still a life without.

I remember bawling so vividly.

I’ve had so much pain in my life, which has all made me who I am today.

I know I’m blessed.

I know without my hurt, I would not be able to love as wholeheartedly and intensely as I do. I know everything happens for a reason. I just wish there wasn’t so much sadness in the world. I just love everyone so much.

But life is full circle.
August 18, 2011

Loss

book2I’m afraid that things have changed lately. It was the morning after Halloween when I got the news that my cousin had died in a car accident. 4 AM? 5? I don’t remember but it was terrible news and a terrible day. But I don’t just remember hearing the news, I remember the entire morning before that too.

I woke up with a slight hangover and Ryan and I started to recap the night.

“It was such a blast! Our Santa outfits were a hit,” I mumbled while he inhaled to ease his headache.

“It’s true, but the night definitely gets hazy after a while.”

I sighed and naturally looked for my phone to find something to spark my memory of how exactly the night had ended. The phone wasn’t there—panic! Did it get left in a drunken stupor? Oh great.

Against my better judgment of continuing to sleep a few more hours, I got up to search the apartment. The phone turned up on the living room table. It was off so I naturally thought the battery died but it turned on easily.

My phone was turned off the night prior; apparently the phone had been ringing nonstop at 6 AM and someone turned the phone off so it wouldn’t wake anybody.

My phone immediately began to buzz and I had a couple of text messages. I had a “Call back” text with a phone number—but I didn’t recognize it. I then got a text from Ryan’s mother asking me to call my mom, she said it was really important. Then everything got really heavy around me. I knew then to call the number back, I wasn’t surprised when it was my cousin Michael at Colleen’s house. He told me my mother wasn’t there and to call her cell phone or my cousin Patricia. He said that they would know what to tell me.

I accepted everything that happened around me as if it were truth, though I did not understand any aspect of it. I called my mother and she answered the phone on the third ring.

“Hi. I’m driving, I’ll call you back as soon as I stop,” she muttered.

I lose my stomach and respond, “Is something wrong?”

“Yes. I’ll call you back.”

“Tell me.”

“Matthew Dalling was in a fatal car accident last night.”

“Okay. Call me when you stop.”

“Okay.” I was paralyzed.

Winter 2011

To respond to your status.

actingIf you remember to try to smile, your brain will follow suit.

It’s science, I think.

The holidays are always hard, but it’s good to let people know how you feel. It makes it easier to feel better when you can say it, acknowledge it, and try to again focus on the bright side of things; focus on the positivity and the love.

I think about it a lot, and it changes you. But it can also be something beautiful when you let it be. When you go through hardships, you gain empathy. You gain the ability to see the world through everyone’s eyes.

It’s always knowing it could be worse… and appreciating what you have. Always. No matter what it is.

Two years ago my roommate in school lost one of her best friends in a car accident. It was so terrible, she was so sad to her bones. I talked to her every day that I could, trying my best to help her heal and make her realize that life is still good. All the things we both know now, through and through.

3 weeks after that accident, I lost my cousin is an accident on Halloween. He had just turned 24.

I had to then listen to myself replay every single thing I had said to my friend day in and day out and I still do the same today

Life is bizarre, but if I hadn’t helped my dear friend I don’t know how I ever would have found the strength to help myself.

You’re so strong. I hope you know that. No one can ever really imagine how it could be until it is.

I always say that if I was a superhero, I’d be “Worst Case Scenario Girl” because that’s my super power– to automatically see what the worst case scenario is and go up from there. Since losing my father at 10, I always said that if something else happened I’d completely lose my mind… but somehow, when you need to find the strength it just comes.

And that’s why life is so beautiful

December 2012

The above is a summary of a conversation I shared with someone I went to high school with who had recently lost her father. It is an excellent example of how the Internet is a magical thing when you let it to be.  It allows us to stay in touch; stop stalking and start talking. Get in touch. The importance of kind communication is bigger than you and me.