Faith

I feel conflicted.
I’m so unsure of where I’m supposed to go, what I’m supposed to do.
Follow your heart, they say. Follow your gut.

It’s not for lack of inspiration or motivation.
It’s not knowing which way to go… so many choices and where do they lead?

I’ve learned, many times over, that living for now is far more important than living for later.
Later is never promised, but what do you do when you get there?

I’m worried for my future and conflicted about my present.
These next few steps determine a lot.

Do you pick a path or make one?

Do you reach inside and put your own heart on the table
or continue moving, patiently, in the direction of your dreams?

I’m not patient.
I’m eager to please, I’m eager to do it right.
But I keep asking what I’m doing and I feel I’m coming up short.

Today I know for certain that there is a sun behind these clouds,
but I wish I could tell which way the wind is blowing.

Maybe I’m afraid I’ll miss something.
Maybe it’s time to leap.

A short letter inspired by the book The Awakening by Kate Chopin

Mademoiselle Reisz,

I am writing you to inform you that I intend on leaving. I am not going far, but I intend on going permanently. I am only letting you know because no one else understands this feeling in the pit of my stomach, this feeling at the center of my very being. I have chosen to write to you because you are the only person who has tasted these depths of isolation. You understand me.

We are outcasts for only the best of reasons. I plan to pursue a future without being owned and without living falsely. I will be completely true and awakened for the first time in my life. Somehow, I will fill this chasm inside of me.

For months I have felt exhilaration and confusion—I have experienced emotions I never knew existed. I am leaving because I do not know what I am doing with my life or what I truly crave. How can I be my own person when I was in such a stupor for so long? I have made my decision to leave and I am holding true because that is the only way I can be confident in who I am, confident that I am not allowing anyone else to own me.

Please let my children know I love them and that I gave them all that I could. Tell them the world is a harsh place and that they must be careful to keep their eyes open in order to stay afloat.

Please tell Robert I love him, and because I love him I must say good-bye.

Sincerely,
Edna
10.4.05

For Loved Ones Lost

Everyone who knew you, loves you.
Everything you were, lives on through us.
Your body is gone, but your life remains in our hearts.
You are in our actions and in our kindness;
Your benevolence will continue through us.
We will be strong for you,
Because you are our strength.
Because we can still laugh with you,
We know we are okay.
When we think of your smile, we smile.
And that’s how we know we have been blessed.

November 2010

Written for Matthew Ryan Dalling’s Memorial Card

Bachelorette Gift

A true blessing only gifted to some:
Wedding bells that are soon to come.
The anticipation and planning are coming to an end,
But the true beginning is just around the bend.

A dark-haired girl with flowers in her hair
Matched with a blonde boy who helped put them there.
Holding hands, wiping tears, kindly consoling all of your fears,
Growing closer through all of the years.

Two families and many friends will come together at last
To admire what we’ve seen bloom in the time that has passed.
A Valentine rose turned into a family, a life;
He has already given you gifts fit for a wife.

The strongest love is a love that grows,
From the top of your head to the tips of your toes.
Know today your friends are celebrating both of you,
As we patiently wait for you both to “I do.”

So take these next few moments to relax and feel at ease,
Know that we all love you and tonight we aim to please!
As soon as you’re done you’ll be ready to celebrate
As we start to get you ready for your next “big date”!
3.4.13

LH Steps

For four years, I climbed ten steps leading to a world of laughter, learning, and love. Seeing them for the first time… sure, they were intimidating, but day after day I gained comfort from these stone hard stairs and although they stayed the same, I grew. I have grown into my body. I have grown into my friendships. I have grown into who I am meant to be.
April 2006

Vanity

When something is done in vain,
It does not yield the desired outcome.
Vanity is lacking substance or truth,
And exudes irreverence.
And that’s what makes this so heartbreaking.

It is so difficult to remember
that we cannot live in fear.
With both lives and limbs lost,
We mourn.
I find myself asking three times over:
How am I supposed to live,
If I cannot feel comfort in my own skin?
How do I remember love?

My brothers and sisters of Boston,
Damage has been done.
This ripple effect will be felt
Two worlds over
For many moons to come.
But we must be strong;
We will not, cannot, shall not be afraid.
We must remember:
We do not, will not, cannot understand why
because there is no reasoning behind hatred.
We must remember that hate begets hate,
That pain causes pain,
And fear makes others tremble.
We must remember why we remain strong.

This horrific act was a vain attempt to gather attention,
To wreak havoc on our hearts,
And break our spirit.
Together we must state,
Both loudly and clearly,
That it has not succeeded.

We have but one life to live,
Let us live it together with love and without fear.
April 14, 2013

Happiness is a Newborn

I find beauty in every human being I see,
but I have never been as amazed as when I saw a newborn for the first time.

A newborn tells you what heaven feels like
and is exactly what innocence looks like.

Pure innocence is rare and nearly impossible to see,
especially in a world so full of hate, pain, hunger, and greed.

A child is a new heartbeat beating on its own after a short nine months in the making.

Through nature, beauty is both created and born with every new child.
12.12.04

Hope

As we rise here together, we hold our breath.
A new Father, a new hope;
The power to change the stagnant waters and raise a new love,
A pure love,
An honest love of others.
One world, one love, one nation under God.
A hope of teaching respect of all;
Acceptance despite religion, life choices, or nature.
A hope of banishing prosecution of others, because someone simply deemed it so,
And promoting love and kindness, because that is truly is in Your image.
I have such high hopes.
I pray that the truth will ring through the heavens
Unto our ears
And into our hearts.
Please, let this be what we’ve been waiting for.
Please let this be.
3.22.13

Hurricane

familyThis storm still has such a hold on me;

My head is clouded and I’m echoing,

echoing in my own head.

Repeating my own phrases again and again and again.

This full circle life we lead—

We live, we love, we leave. Never past tense. Always now. Always continued.

The movies, a party, a museum.

I promise I’ll say yes.

How many times can I wish I said yes?

A matter of distance, a matter of energy—

It just doesn’t matter anymore.

The memories we made will have to be enough.

You’re out of audible range, though I sometimes feel you near.

Now you’re everybody’s forever best friend.

Forever young.

The kind of love that belongs to a full-grown heart;

Eternal fondness.

This storm will continue to hold me.

Always now. Always happening.

Always love.

Because you are and always will be.

October 30, 2012